Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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