Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
