So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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