you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
