ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
