There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
