i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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