I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
