You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
