I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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