It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
