There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
