You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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