Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
