i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
