You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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