I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
