Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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