Fine. I'll sleep in my office
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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