i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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