Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
