If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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