I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
