all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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