I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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