Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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