Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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