She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
