Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
