fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
