absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
false alarm, still single
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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