Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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