Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
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He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
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I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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