Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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