ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
