i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You pole danced in your parka.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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