She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
