I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
