My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize