why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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