the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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