he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
