Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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