Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
