Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
