I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
