Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
