I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
