im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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