omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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