I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Less talking, more tequila
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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