well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
