The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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