someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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