I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
