After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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